This Blog Is Inappropriate.

Long time no see!

Ok, first off, an apology for the wait. The last two weeks have been crazy busy getting some serious set up done. Nothing interesting, I'm afraid, but certainly time consuming. But now it's handled, and I'm all yours again. Ta freakin dah.

As to our title for this particular misadventure, I am aware that I have a grandmother, a mother in law, a mother (though she hardly counts for this one), and a possible smattering of teenagers who (claim to) read this. Personally, I think it's just my mom, and only then because I've started calling home. But these things beg reporting, so we'll just knock them out all at once. It's nothing too risque, and no, I don't have pictures. There are also several tidbits no more inappropriate than normal. Besides, I don't know the meaning of the word appropriate. Or the spelling. Thanks, dictionary.com!

NOTE: I was joking about my mom not counting. She's a wonderful woman who should be respected at all times, even when thousands of miles away. (Weirdest thing, the back of my head started to sting like I'd just been smacked...)

But let's be gentle at first.

Several readers asked about how the whole lack-o-tub thing was coming. Well, it's not. We'll be showering for the remainder of our stay here in the ROK. It's not fun, but Jen's adjusting with her normal grace. I'm not sure I've noticed yet.

I walked into my apartment after work tonight long enough to change and start uploading some pics. Maybe 10 minutes. When I came back out it smelled like a dead fish truck had exploded in the hallway and all up and down the stairs. I'm serious. If something sends me over the edge, it'll be the constant surprising smell of sea creatures. Usually early in the morning. Ugh.

So we're coming up on two months here in Korea, and I've officially met my ultimate adversary. An enemy so evil it destroys the lives of all that it comes in contact with. This deadly enemy knows no mercy, no love, no God. This destroyer of souls can be found throughout the world, but it's presence in South Korea is especially strong. You guessed it.

Stairs.

I mean, seriously, look at this thing. I mean, sure there's an escalator on either side, but... ya know... look at it!

Here's what I've learned about stairs:

1. After about 8 flights even going downstairs sucks.


2. Someone, somewhere, needs to figure out this escalator thing. These things break. A lot. And I don't just mean here. In the malls back home they'd be broken all the time. Why? What's so FREAKING complicated?


3. When going up stairs to my apartment there are exactly 64 Jesus-hating steps.


4. The elevator has ALWAYS just passed you.


5. If the little snots don't stop running down the stairs hitting the elevator call button on EVERY FLIGHT all the way down I'm going to find a rifle. Or some trip wire.


6. When going downstairs quickly at some point you're just in a controlled fall.


7. I can now successfully make it to the fourth floor of my apartment building before cursing in short jagged breaths.


8. The next 180 year old woman bent double carrying a pack as big as I am that passes me on the stairs like I'm standing still is going back downstairs in a hurry. Stupid old women.


9. One more threat. The next obnoxious teen that stops halfway on the stairs so they can text faster is going over the rail.


10. I've got nothing. Just seems like I should have ten.

Ok, next up, check this out.

This, my friends, is a 4-level game of Chutes and Ladders. Your marble actually drops through the holes and rolls along the board down to wherever you just ended up. We found this game at a store in the COEX (Pronounced COEX) mall. This mall is amazing. It's sporting a movie theatre, hotel, giant aquarium, several meeting rooms, and a stage area where they have small ensembles play classical music. They also have a store with over 50 boards games, everything from Axis and Allies to a game where you bet little pictures of bananas and then flick little plastic monkey and try to land them all in the tree.

We played that last one to. Here's how Jen ended the game.

And here's me.

I did actually knock the crap outta that cheating plastic tree. It flew off the table sending plastic monkey shrapnel everywhere, and collided rather heavily into the adjacent table of Koreans who were, until very recently, enjoying what appeared to be a double date.

I had a choice to make here.

And so, I asked myself what any self-respecting American would do. What Would Dan Do? With that in mind I leaped onto my table, roared, and then jumped onto the Korean's table, smashing game pieces and overpriced cups of coffee alike. I then claimed one both of the Korean women as my new wives and drug them both off by the hair of the head. After, of course, taking all the money from their now ex-boyfriends.

Ok, not really. I apologized profusely and got a sound scolding from Jen. But in my mind... whoa. Ok? Just WHOA.

But I told you this was an inappropriate blog, and inappropriate it shall be.

First up, look at this picture.

Now, at first glance you might assume that this is a car wash. I can understand you're confusion. It's not. In Seoul whenever you see the stripes of colored material hanging down like that it means that on the other side of it there are things happening that would get, to put it mildly, an R Rating from the MPAA. This particular entrance is part of the view from our window. Turns out Gerium (our neighborhood) has a single claim to fame, and it's having a lot of these things. Why am I sharing it now? Because just recently they put up that pretty banner above it. I have no idea what it says, and to be honest I don't want to. The things I've come up with are way funnier than anything it might actually mean, and too obscene to print here.

No, Dan, you can't post your ideas either.

Second: Jen found this place that offers women a full facial, complete with massage and weird stuff the smear all over your face, for something like $20. They'll give men a facial, and even include a facial massage, but that's it. Now my back has been hurting quite a bit from dragging around a heavy backpack, not to mention it's just always been tight. I'd read somewhere that things like massages went pretty cheap, so I set off to find one.

My first stop was a jinjubang (Pronounced Gin-jew-bawng). These bad boys are a favorite spot for Koreans. They feature large communal hot tubs, steam rooms, sleeping areas, TVs, massages, the works. All for about $10. Not bad, right? Well the catch, I was told, was that you were separated by gender and proceeded nude through the areas with hot tubs, showers, and saunas. After that you were given a robe and then entered the areas with TVs, PCs, sleeping areas, and what have you. Furthermore, several Koreans warned me, I would be stared at. A lot.

None of this phased our hero for a moment. Those of you who participated in the ReCreation Shower Hockey games know that I'm not squeamish. So I was all set to go. But then, I hit a snag. Turns out the massages are done in the first area, not the second.

Now folks, I'm a pretty laid back guy. It takes a bit for this kinda thing to bother me. But being rubbed down with nothing but a towel by another man who, depending on location, was also only sporting a towel, while being stared at by everyone else in there eventually topped off my no-no meter. Can't do it. My lower back has been tight and stiff for almost 10 years. That's not going to loosen me up.

But I wasn't worried. I hunted onward. A little more research showed that at places where you see a barbershop pole outside a man can get a haircut, shave, and massage all for roughly $10. Good deal. But, I was warned, stay out of the places with 2 barbershop poles. Those have bad things in them.

The research lied.

First off, it's hard to tell if they mean 2 poles right next to each other, or just 2 on either side of the doorway. I saw a lot of both. Moreover, none of them were good places, even if it only had one pole. This one places had two sets of twin poles. I have no idea what that means, but I'm not even going to eat in the restaurant upstairs from it.

After one of the more obscene experiences in my young life, I eventually was directed to the Massage Palace. Despite it's name, it is a strictly up and up reputable place where you can get a massage that won't end in divorce. The cost? $80. For that I could have gotten one back home. By the time it was done, I was even more stressed than before I began my hunt, and now I'm terrified to get a haircut, let alone a massage.

Third, and for me the most disconcerting.

Every man knows, without ever being told, that there is a certain protocol when using a urinal. It's just instinct. Stare straight ahead. Study a tiny piece of tile. Do not speak, do not move. Do what you're there to do and leave. Of course, wash your hands. While washing your hands you are permitted to have short conversations, if necessary (read: the women are waiting outside). Then leave.

Not so in Korea. It is perfectly normal for a man standing next to another man to not only glance over, but COMMENT. Now, this hasn't happened to me. Which is good, since my first instinct is to punch them in the face. You just don't do it. I'm developing phobias here, people. Seriously.

Alrighty, next a (very) brief moment of seriousness.

Jen and I are dealing with some homesickness. Nothing we can't handle, but from time to time we really start missing home. Saturday night was one of those.

Thing is, the other foreign teachers here are very, well, let's call it independent. I'd mentioned I'd been DJ'ing (for free, mind you, since having another job is against the law and I'd never do something like that) at a local bar. Well, it was a ton of work, but Jen and I were very excited. We'd both worked hard and felt ready. We invited everyone we worked with, and several said they'd be there.

No one showed. Not a one of them.

Now, to be fair, a few had been wishy washy, and a couple sent a text message saying they'd miss, but all the same, it sucked. Jen was sitting by herself for a chunk of the night, and both of us were pretty bummed. It just never would have happened back home. Our crew is FAR from perfect, but when it counts we don't just show up, we show up en masse.

That being said, we rocked the freakin house. Jen was back there with me helping me cue up songs, and we packed that place and partied from 10pm till about 3am. It went way better than we thought it would, and the folks in charge seemed pleased. DJs: Working on a Pioneer 4 Channel mixer with a single mic input and a pair of P800 players, the speakers are weak but they've had complaints from the neighboring businesses so they try not to make it too loud.

All of which got me thinking about the nature of what happens here as teachers. The contracts last a year, and the average person seems to do about a year and a half. These kids we teach are at a hagwon long enough to see a complete turnover 3 or 4 times. It's all so temporary it's almost unsettling. No one can tell you what was happening more than around 6 or 8 months ago, and even then half the time it's hearsay. It got me thinking about how quick life goes by, and what really matters. With every day that passes out here I'm more certain that Central Florida is the only home for me. The friends and family we have back home are like nothing else I've ever seen, or even heard of. Of course, I ain't seen (or heard of) a whole lot, but still...

Don't get me wrong. I'm still thrilled to be here, and so is Jen. We're learning some tough lessons, but I'm feeling confident we're right where we're supposed to be.

Speaking of which, we did meet an American guy Saturday night who told us about this really great church, so we'll be checking it out this Sunday. We're optimistic about it, too. Tell ya true, I'm already perusing the job sheets. No matter how bad they knock me around, it turns out I can't stay outta ministry for long.

Well, let's post some pics and call it a night.

This would be the teacher's workroom. My desk is the second one in. I understand if you didn't recognize it, since it's actually clean...

We have no clue why, but this was in the COEX mall. I thought the dog looked a little like Brian from Family Guy. Jen's new haircut, by the way, is beautiful.

This is me beating the pants off some teenage girls at an XBOX setup they had at the movie theatre. Andy (the only white boy) had just been schooled. The girls took the controller from me after that match. It wasn't my fault, they were playing DOA4. Did I mention how pateint my wife can be?

And here's the promised tug o war pic. That's me in the back. It. Was. Awesome. And, apparently, my legs have somehow gotten even bigger. Seriously, between that and the belly no wonder I keep getting pregnancy jokes...

And last but not least,

SIGN TIME!

Ok, in the spirit of inappropriate, Jen and I found this and couldn't help but share it.

It's the bulge that I couldn't stop laughing at. Well, that and the string of jokes that instantly followed. Those, too, aren't suitable to print.

And that'll do it for me. Jen and I should have a video of our place up in the next week or two, so keep an eye out for that.

We miss you guys and love you all very very much!

-Al (& Jen!)